Monday, April 15, 2013

Deployment Entry 12

It's getting very hard to feel like I have been robbed of an experience that will truly be once in a lifetime because I have made the choice to go home early. It appears that I will be departing TK this coming Saturday - and I will be flying out of AMAB Tuesday of next week. So not only have I been denied Anzac Day in Afghanistan, it now appears I will be denied Anzac Day in an operational environment full stop. I have marched with my MWD every Anzac Day since I joined, and I told myself missing it this year was made up by the fact that I would be experiencing it in a deployed location. Well apparently not!

I know I am going home to begin a new chapter, to more into a new phase of my career, and I am excited to do that. But I cannot help but feel robbed of this once in a lifetime thing. Does that make me selfish?

Already I fell a sense of disconnection with the team. They're already putting aside shirts and the like for my replacement, and talking about her in front of me. I haven't even left yet! What feels like salt in the wound is that all along WDW stressed that she had to seek my replacement ASAP because she couldn't hold a gap. Yet I leave this Saturday - my replacement will still be in Australia. So apparently she can hold a gap when it suits her, but it doesn't suit her to keep me around for an extra week? I honestly don't understand!

I wish it wouldn't upset me so much though. I'm tired of being emotional and crying over this crap. I'm going. I can't change it, so now I just want to get home, enjoy a ridiculously long shower and spending time with my boys. It will do me good to see them. I have missed their cute little faces and waggy tails. I still don't know what to do about M. I no longer feel like a k. I no longer get that buzz when she calls me "Mine" and it seems unnatural now to call her by any title. Now she is just the net friend I have in the USA that I talk to a lot. Maybe this was always going to happen? Maybe we were always going to grow apart like this? Maybe I was always a fool for thinking it just might turn out differently?

Maybe I deserve to feel like this?

Maybe I can't do it anymore?

Maybe it's all just in my head because everything else is going to shit - why shouldn't the best thing in my world go to hell too?

Maybe I subconsciously sabotage the positive thing in my life so that its all dark and black and full of pain?

Trying to arrange an RnR run into Dubai for Sunday so I can see what the city is like before I go home. Fingers crossed.

For now though I am going to try and shut off my depressive mind and sleep a dreamless sleep - I can't lose her. I love her too much.

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