See you later 2012

So....

I can't exactly put my finger on the reason why, but I have felt an annoying reluctance to post anything in my blog. I am not sure where it has stemmed from, but it probably has something to do with this overwhelming negative feeling that seems to be tainting everything at the moment. Whilst this blog is my personal space to say whatever I feel like saying, it's not somewhere that I necessarily want to come simply to spout dark, negative issues. Life has to be about balance right?

So 2012 is over and done with, and the first day of 2013 was spent doing pretty much what most free days in 2012 were spent doing. Very little at home on my own. Seems to be the sum total of my life now. If I am not working or playing basketball, or studying (which I should be doing now) - then I am not really doing a whole lot and I am more than likely by myself. It is not that I am uncomfortable in public situations - because I am not. It just seems that my lifestyle is not conducive to being around other people. At least that is the assumption I have to make....it seems if I am not the one chasing the catch up, or instigating some kind of dinner/social activity, then I don't really see anyone. My friendship apparently is not worth the effort or the invitation. So be it.

2012 wasn't all bad. It had some good points:

Toured with the National Defence Basketball squad in WA.
I played in the state side for Defence Basketball again.
We defended our title down in Melbourne and I was selected in the national Defence side again.
Blaze, my beautiful ruby cav spaniel, was introduced into my little nest.
Phoenix sailed through his 8th birthday.
Renovated my kitchen and car port.
Gave my lounge area a facelift with some new furniture.


The not so pleasant things aren't really worth listing so instead let's look at the resolutions/decisions for 2013:

Lifestyle -
* Get out of my house more often, even if it is to do something on my own.
* Put myself back out there in the 'dating game'
* Knuckle down more with Uni/consider taking a semester off if necessary.
* Actively try to spend less $$
* Minimise portion sizes of foods
* Cut sugar out of my coffee completely
* Live a more controlled paleo/primal lifestyle

Fitness -
* 5x unassisted pull ups
* 100kg Dead lift
* 1x 1 arm push up
* Crack 11 min 30sec for my PFT.

And lastly, it may backfire and blow up in my face (figuratively) and may result in my spending more time by myself than I already do (is that even possible) but I am not chasing people to catch up anymore. My friendship is valuable, it is worth something. It is not something to be picked up and put down as it suits you so I am not going to go out of my way to bug people to catch up.

If they can't be bothered, well then they can go fuck themselves.

Bring it on Life - do your worst. I survived 2012. Is that all you got?

So Happy New Year everyone. Let's see what 2013 has in store eh?

The things we don't say

Often we think of the things we don't say enough. Usually it is the "I love you", "I miss you", "You're important to me" kind of things. But sometimes there are other things we don't say enough, things we think are best left unsaid, or things that perhaps seem pointless saying.

I'm in pain.
I feel alone.
I feel like a stranger looking in on the outside.
I feel like I don't really know you.
I don't know who you are anymore.
I am angry.
What is the point?
Why am I bothering?

The list of unsaid questions is, in my opinion, endless. Sometimes I wonder if the connectiveness we feel thanks to the wonderful world of the internet has led to a greater disconnection amongst people. There used to be a time when, if you hadn't caught up with someone for a while, you picked up a phone or <gasp> you made the effort to actually physically stop by and see them. Now, you open a browser and jump onto Facebook. Or you click a few links, type in a few things, and read whats going on in their lives through a forum or journal. Don't get me wrong, I like facebook. I have a FB page and I check it regularly. I use it to keep in touch with friends who are living interstate or OS, who I can't simply stop in and visit. But if you asked me what was happening in the lives of my 'apparent best friends' I couldn't have told you if I hadn't read about it in their blog. These were people I used to catch up with at least weekly, if not more often. And now weeks go by at a time before I see or hear from them, and I generally only work out whats been happening with them by reading about it online.

It's not their fault. It's not my fault. It's just the way things seem to be now. It's just how we have 'advanced' along with technology. And no, the irony that I am writing this in an online blog is not lost upon me. Perhaps I should go back to hand written journaling...

Brief update...more detail to follow

Ok so I have been both slack and extremely busy but I thought if I at least blog the bullet points of the things going on I will be more inclined to come back and elaborate on said bullet points, instead of just putting off blogging altogether. We shall see if it works that way! Haha.

Anyway so here's what's been happening so far:

* Back tattoo mural almost complete. Just one session to go
* Resolution on sexual assault compensation from 2006. Cheque banked.
* Resolution on invoice from solicitor. Secondary cheque on its way.
* Resolution on home loan refinance disputes. Very happy with Defence Bank.
* Continued issues with professionalism at work. Ongoing.
* Still waiting to hear from QPol on my application. Will ring them in a week or so.
* Signed on to be an ENJO Consultant. Pretty excited.
* Had to postpone business launch for above as no one was able to make it. Was super disappointed.
* Rescheduled business launch for October 15. So far only 2 RSVP's. Disappointed that some of my friends haven't even bothered to reply yet.
* Euthanised MWD Que, my shift pool dog, last friday. Unit won't fund her cremation - section to submit complaint regarding this. Have arranged her cremation myself for $285. Only 1 person has chipped in from work so far - VERY disappointing.
* Now faced with the dilemma, given I will have paid for the cremation - do I take her ashes to work and give them to the section or do I keep them at home, since obviously no one else really gives a shit?
* Trying to get leave in November to go visit Gary and Kazuki in Japan but manning issues are likely to prevent this. Will update further.
* Managing uni alright, doing ok with assignments so far results wise - need to do some more reading these coming days off.
* Ran a PB on my PFT this month - basketball, umpiring and training with Alli is certainly reaping rewards!.

So that's whats been happening with me.

K

2am, where do I begin
Crying off my face again
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed

I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaTheOry 
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again

Too afraid, to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night
Cause the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me till I fall asleep

I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Then you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me
And the lonely... 

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Then you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again...

Meh

So its a rare Friday night off and how am I spending it? Home by myself. Thought a BBQ with some friends or family would be a nice way to spend the evening but everyone is either unwell or busy. So, as usual, it is just me, myself and I for the night. This is becoming a far too familiar pattern for me.

Made myself a home made roo burger and chips for dinner. It was quite pleasant and hardly any mess to have to clean up (a nice change). Watched Wrath of the Titans - not a movie I will be rushing to load up on the HD again any time soon. It wasn't necessarily bad, it just really did nothing to grab my attention during the movie. It was kind of 'meh'.

The biggest dilemma now seems to be - AFL qualifying final or NRL one? None of the teams playing are teams that I barrack for so its not really drawing me much either way. I could put another movie on but again, nothing is really leaping out at me to say "I want to watch this!"

I'll be 31 in 5 days time....

31....
Single....
In a job I no longer have passion for...
Being screwed around in my attempts to move into a career that I *do* have passion for....

FML.

Kelly Clarkson performs Home (Michael Buble Cover)