Often we think of the things we don't say enough. Usually it is the "I love you", "I miss you", "You're important to me" kind of things. But sometimes there are other things we don't say enough, things we think are best left unsaid, or things that perhaps seem pointless saying.
I'm in pain.
I feel alone.
I feel like a stranger looking in on the outside.
I feel like I don't really know you.
I don't know who you are anymore.
I am angry.
What is the point?
Why am I bothering?
The list of unsaid questions is, in my opinion, endless. Sometimes I wonder if the connectiveness we feel thanks to the wonderful world of the internet has led to a greater disconnection amongst people. There used to be a time when, if you hadn't caught up with someone for a while, you picked up a phone or <gasp> you made the effort to actually physically stop by and see them. Now, you open a browser and jump onto Facebook. Or you click a few links, type in a few things, and read whats going on in their lives through a forum or journal. Don't get me wrong, I like facebook. I have a FB page and I check it regularly. I use it to keep in touch with friends who are living interstate or OS, who I can't simply stop in and visit. But if you asked me what was happening in the lives of my 'apparent best friends' I couldn't have told you if I hadn't read about it in their blog. These were people I used to catch up with at least weekly, if not more often. And now weeks go by at a time before I see or hear from them, and I generally only work out whats been happening with them by reading about it online.
It's not their fault. It's not my fault. It's just the way things seem to be now. It's just how we have 'advanced' along with technology. And no, the irony that I am writing this in an online blog is not lost upon me. Perhaps I should go back to hand written journaling...
Monday, November 5, 2012
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Brief update...more detail to follow
Ok so I have been both slack and extremely busy but I thought if I at least blog the bullet points of the things going on I will be more inclined to come back and elaborate on said bullet points, instead of just putting off blogging altogether. We shall see if it works that way! Haha.
Anyway so here's what's been happening so far:
* Back tattoo mural almost complete. Just one session to go
* Resolution on sexual assault compensation from 2006. Cheque banked.
* Resolution on invoice from solicitor. Secondary cheque on its way.
* Resolution on home loan refinance disputes. Very happy with Defence Bank.
* Continued issues with professionalism at work. Ongoing.
* Still waiting to hear from QPol on my application. Will ring them in a week or so.
* Signed on to be an ENJO Consultant. Pretty excited.
* Had to postpone business launch for above as no one was able to make it. Was super disappointed.
* Rescheduled business launch for October 15. So far only 2 RSVP's. Disappointed that some of my friends haven't even bothered to reply yet.
* Euthanised MWD Que, my shift pool dog, last friday. Unit won't fund her cremation - section to submit complaint regarding this. Have arranged her cremation myself for $285. Only 1 person has chipped in from work so far - VERY disappointing.
* Now faced with the dilemma, given I will have paid for the cremation - do I take her ashes to work and give them to the section or do I keep them at home, since obviously no one else really gives a shit?
* Trying to get leave in November to go visit Gary and Kazuki in Japan but manning issues are likely to prevent this. Will update further.
* Managing uni alright, doing ok with assignments so far results wise - need to do some more reading these coming days off.
* Ran a PB on my PFT this month - basketball, umpiring and training with Alli is certainly reaping rewards!.
So that's whats been happening with me.
K
Anyway so here's what's been happening so far:
* Back tattoo mural almost complete. Just one session to go
* Resolution on sexual assault compensation from 2006. Cheque banked.
* Resolution on invoice from solicitor. Secondary cheque on its way.
* Resolution on home loan refinance disputes. Very happy with Defence Bank.
* Continued issues with professionalism at work. Ongoing.
* Still waiting to hear from QPol on my application. Will ring them in a week or so.
* Signed on to be an ENJO Consultant. Pretty excited.
* Had to postpone business launch for above as no one was able to make it. Was super disappointed.
* Rescheduled business launch for October 15. So far only 2 RSVP's. Disappointed that some of my friends haven't even bothered to reply yet.
* Euthanised MWD Que, my shift pool dog, last friday. Unit won't fund her cremation - section to submit complaint regarding this. Have arranged her cremation myself for $285. Only 1 person has chipped in from work so far - VERY disappointing.
* Now faced with the dilemma, given I will have paid for the cremation - do I take her ashes to work and give them to the section or do I keep them at home, since obviously no one else really gives a shit?
* Trying to get leave in November to go visit Gary and Kazuki in Japan but manning issues are likely to prevent this. Will update further.
* Managing uni alright, doing ok with assignments so far results wise - need to do some more reading these coming days off.
* Ran a PB on my PFT this month - basketball, umpiring and training with Alli is certainly reaping rewards!.
So that's whats been happening with me.
K
Sunday, September 16, 2012
2am, where do I begin
Crying off my face again
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed
I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well
Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaTheOry
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again
Too afraid, to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night
Cause the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me till I fall asleep
I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well
Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Then you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again
Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me
And the lonely...
Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Then you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again...
Crying off my face again
The silent sound of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed
I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well
Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaTheOry
Let you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again
Too afraid, to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night
Cause the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me till I fall asleep
I'm the ghost of a girl
That I want to be most
I'm the shell of a girl
That I used to know well
Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Then you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again
Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there's only me
And the lonely...
Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Then you go and let the lonely in
To take my heart again...
Friday, September 7, 2012
Meh
So its a rare Friday night off and how am I spending it? Home by myself. Thought a BBQ with some friends or family would be a nice way to spend the evening but everyone is either unwell or busy. So, as usual, it is just me, myself and I for the night. This is becoming a far too familiar pattern for me.
Made myself a home made roo burger and chips for dinner. It was quite pleasant and hardly any mess to have to clean up (a nice change). Watched Wrath of the Titans - not a movie I will be rushing to load up on the HD again any time soon. It wasn't necessarily bad, it just really did nothing to grab my attention during the movie. It was kind of 'meh'.
The biggest dilemma now seems to be - AFL qualifying final or NRL one? None of the teams playing are teams that I barrack for so its not really drawing me much either way. I could put another movie on but again, nothing is really leaping out at me to say "I want to watch this!"
I'll be 31 in 5 days time....
31....
Single....
In a job I no longer have passion for...
Being screwed around in my attempts to move into a career that I *do* have passion for....
FML.
Made myself a home made roo burger and chips for dinner. It was quite pleasant and hardly any mess to have to clean up (a nice change). Watched Wrath of the Titans - not a movie I will be rushing to load up on the HD again any time soon. It wasn't necessarily bad, it just really did nothing to grab my attention during the movie. It was kind of 'meh'.
The biggest dilemma now seems to be - AFL qualifying final or NRL one? None of the teams playing are teams that I barrack for so its not really drawing me much either way. I could put another movie on but again, nothing is really leaping out at me to say "I want to watch this!"
I'll be 31 in 5 days time....
31....
Single....
In a job I no longer have passion for...
Being screwed around in my attempts to move into a career that I *do* have passion for....
FML.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Reflection
Army's darkest day: It has been the darkest day imaginable for our troops in Afghanistan.
As news broke of the tragic death of 5 more soldiers in Afghanistan I found myself slipping into melancholic reflection about my life. I'm pretty lucky really and I don't treat that lightly or overlook having the things that I have, despite the ordeals I have experienced during my life. My reflection was far more sporadic I guess, random and seemingly isolated.
I feel like I am slipping away from people, like I am becoming a social hermit. It's quote ironic to say that considering I go out several times a week to play basketball and referee. But that is essentially the extent of my social activity. Weeks when I do not get to play basketball, because my shifts conflict with the playing timetable, it starts to feel like my life is simply work, work, work. I feel as though I am slipping away from those people who used to be so integrally important to me. People are busy, we each have our own lives and own things going on, but I have found that I don't seem to catch up with people much anymore. Friends I used to see at least weekly, I go for weeks at a time without seeing. Best friends are now people I find out about the goings on in their life through Blogger, and the difficulties of time differences and the responsibilities of singularly raising two young girls has me feeling as though I can't stop this distance from growing more between the most important person in my life and myself. I find myself tossing and turning in my sleep, this recurring dream that she is slipping through my fingers, that I am losing my hold on her, that I am doomed to forever be kept in the dark, plaguing me.
It wouldn't be so bad if I was content to have my life filled so wholly by work. But work has me filled with disillusionment. I go to work every day and work harder than most, in order to make the section I work for the best it can be. I watch as people around me not only lack basic professionalism, but who seem to treat such things like values and ethics as insignificant non-essentials. I continue to watch as complaints are ignored, or handled internally so as to be swept under the rug. I watch as troops junior to me get supported and rewarded with deployments over and above me but then the concept of seniority is used and thrown in my face when it suits them to justify denying me the opportunity to take on a position that will go well towards my chances at promotion next year.
Everything is crossed that the debacle with the QPS is sorted in my favour - I need professional change. I need to reignite myself and find some meaning to my work. I need to feel like I make that difference that was the motivation behind my enlistment. I need my contribution to matter to someone.
And finally, and perhaps the most melancholic aspect of my reflection - I'm lonely. I'm ready to settle down with someone. I'm ready to start a family, or be a part of someone's family. I fear I am going to turn into my mother.
As news broke of the tragic death of 5 more soldiers in Afghanistan I found myself slipping into melancholic reflection about my life. I'm pretty lucky really and I don't treat that lightly or overlook having the things that I have, despite the ordeals I have experienced during my life. My reflection was far more sporadic I guess, random and seemingly isolated.
I feel like I am slipping away from people, like I am becoming a social hermit. It's quote ironic to say that considering I go out several times a week to play basketball and referee. But that is essentially the extent of my social activity. Weeks when I do not get to play basketball, because my shifts conflict with the playing timetable, it starts to feel like my life is simply work, work, work. I feel as though I am slipping away from those people who used to be so integrally important to me. People are busy, we each have our own lives and own things going on, but I have found that I don't seem to catch up with people much anymore. Friends I used to see at least weekly, I go for weeks at a time without seeing. Best friends are now people I find out about the goings on in their life through Blogger, and the difficulties of time differences and the responsibilities of singularly raising two young girls has me feeling as though I can't stop this distance from growing more between the most important person in my life and myself. I find myself tossing and turning in my sleep, this recurring dream that she is slipping through my fingers, that I am losing my hold on her, that I am doomed to forever be kept in the dark, plaguing me.
It wouldn't be so bad if I was content to have my life filled so wholly by work. But work has me filled with disillusionment. I go to work every day and work harder than most, in order to make the section I work for the best it can be. I watch as people around me not only lack basic professionalism, but who seem to treat such things like values and ethics as insignificant non-essentials. I continue to watch as complaints are ignored, or handled internally so as to be swept under the rug. I watch as troops junior to me get supported and rewarded with deployments over and above me but then the concept of seniority is used and thrown in my face when it suits them to justify denying me the opportunity to take on a position that will go well towards my chances at promotion next year.
Everything is crossed that the debacle with the QPS is sorted in my favour - I need professional change. I need to reignite myself and find some meaning to my work. I need to feel like I make that difference that was the motivation behind my enlistment. I need my contribution to matter to someone.
And finally, and perhaps the most melancholic aspect of my reflection - I'm lonely. I'm ready to settle down with someone. I'm ready to start a family, or be a part of someone's family. I fear I am going to turn into my mother.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
ADBA Tour
So I am back home again now from the basketball trip. Didn't really get much chance to post as the trip was going due to limited connectivity and the various training and game schedules we were maintaining.
The trip was really good. We all arrived safely and got in to some good training sessions before our first game against the WA Police. We were a little bit 'rusty' not having really had much time to gel together as a team but still managed to come away with a solid performance and a good win against the Police side. They had a lot of height on us but our boxing out and muscle, as well as good transition play saw us take the lead and not surrender it.
Plenty of recovery sessions - one at the beach which resulted in the vehicle keys getting swallowed up by the ocean *laughs* and some more light training before we moved on to the next game. This was against the Wannaroo U/20's rep side. They were quite a good side, albeit overly physical. There were a lot of forearms into the back that went unchecked by the referees and unfortunately we squandered our opportunities and didn't play to our full potential. That game was lost 56-55 though there was a very obvious push in the back against me with 20 seconds to go that wasn't called. Unimpressed doesn't even begin to describe my feelings on it.
Social activities were well and truly enjoyed by the team with plenty of nights down at the Boozer hanging out as well as the occasional night out on the town. Got to explore some of Perth and Fremantle during the days which was nice as well.
We hit the road part way through the tour for an exhibition match in Albany. It's such a lovely little town by the edge of WA - some 5 hours from Perth. A strong physical game, which included a rather savage collision between myself and an Albany player - I was almost knocked out but was OK. We had a solid commanding win in that game, which I top scored in. I couldn't stay out very late with the team because of stiffness that kicked in as a result of the collision and by morning I could barely move my head, neck and shoulders but after some heat packs and rest I managed to recover enough for training.
Unfortunately about a week into the tour sickness swept through the team with some players being suspected of suffering Pnuemonia. It sapped our energy dramatically and really hampered us in our remaining two exhibition matches. All of us struggled to move up and down the court, with the ability to breathe clearly hindered. Sickness had rocked our team so hard that our second last game was regrettably cancelled as we would not have physically been able to back up the next night for the final match.
Both games were unfortunately a loss. We were up against well skilled, healthy and young opposition who had been playing together for months and years, unlike our week and a half. I personally believe we had the skill and ability to beat both teams, especially the final match against Stirling, but with the impact of the sickness we were all suffering, we were operating at around 70% of our maximum. It's too difficult a handicap to overcome.
Even though I am now home, sore and sick and still trying to find the rego of the truck that seems to have run me over with this flu/bug I had a great time on tour and hope that the opportunity to represent the ADF in Basketball presents itself to me again.
Made some great friends, got to see some wonderful places and spend more time on the court in a short period of time than I have in ages. And then I got to come home to two furry little boys excited to see me.
All in all a pretty good 2 weeks away!
The trip was really good. We all arrived safely and got in to some good training sessions before our first game against the WA Police. We were a little bit 'rusty' not having really had much time to gel together as a team but still managed to come away with a solid performance and a good win against the Police side. They had a lot of height on us but our boxing out and muscle, as well as good transition play saw us take the lead and not surrender it.
Plenty of recovery sessions - one at the beach which resulted in the vehicle keys getting swallowed up by the ocean *laughs* and some more light training before we moved on to the next game. This was against the Wannaroo U/20's rep side. They were quite a good side, albeit overly physical. There were a lot of forearms into the back that went unchecked by the referees and unfortunately we squandered our opportunities and didn't play to our full potential. That game was lost 56-55 though there was a very obvious push in the back against me with 20 seconds to go that wasn't called. Unimpressed doesn't even begin to describe my feelings on it.
Social activities were well and truly enjoyed by the team with plenty of nights down at the Boozer hanging out as well as the occasional night out on the town. Got to explore some of Perth and Fremantle during the days which was nice as well.
We hit the road part way through the tour for an exhibition match in Albany. It's such a lovely little town by the edge of WA - some 5 hours from Perth. A strong physical game, which included a rather savage collision between myself and an Albany player - I was almost knocked out but was OK. We had a solid commanding win in that game, which I top scored in. I couldn't stay out very late with the team because of stiffness that kicked in as a result of the collision and by morning I could barely move my head, neck and shoulders but after some heat packs and rest I managed to recover enough for training.
Unfortunately about a week into the tour sickness swept through the team with some players being suspected of suffering Pnuemonia. It sapped our energy dramatically and really hampered us in our remaining two exhibition matches. All of us struggled to move up and down the court, with the ability to breathe clearly hindered. Sickness had rocked our team so hard that our second last game was regrettably cancelled as we would not have physically been able to back up the next night for the final match.
Both games were unfortunately a loss. We were up against well skilled, healthy and young opposition who had been playing together for months and years, unlike our week and a half. I personally believe we had the skill and ability to beat both teams, especially the final match against Stirling, but with the impact of the sickness we were all suffering, we were operating at around 70% of our maximum. It's too difficult a handicap to overcome.
Even though I am now home, sore and sick and still trying to find the rego of the truck that seems to have run me over with this flu/bug I had a great time on tour and hope that the opportunity to represent the ADF in Basketball presents itself to me again.
Made some great friends, got to see some wonderful places and spend more time on the court in a short period of time than I have in ages. And then I got to come home to two furry little boys excited to see me.
All in all a pretty good 2 weeks away!
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